You Become Enough - By Megan Lankford

I recently came across something I had written about 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my second son. As I read it, I was instantly transported back to the moment when I wrote it. I vividly remember how worried I was about going from just 1 kid to 2, how afraid I was that I wouldn't be able to adequately love 2 kids and that I'd be doing them both a disservice.

But as I read it today, now having just had my third son, I realize I really didn't have anything to be nervous about. Being on the other side of this fear, I now know what a huge blessing it has been to be able to grow our family and to have so much love in our home.

Here's what I wrote 2 years ago:

“I’m currently 8 and a half months pregnant with my second child, and I’ve been having some feelings lately. It’s probably just the hormones but, as excited as I am for this new addition to our family, I’m having a little bit of grief, as well.

My son just turned 3. For 3 whole years, he has been the absolute love of my life and my greatest obsession. I have never been so totally enamored with another single human being in my entire life, and I make sure I communicate that to him Every. Single. Day. (I’m kind of a “sMother” #sorrynotsorry) 

But there’s a small part of me that is so incredibly sad for my second son who will never get to be this, my “one and only” love. Of course, he will be another love of my life and another great obsession, and I will be so completely enraptured by him, too. But he will never get to be the only human on this planet that my heart beats for. And that just makes me sad for him. 

I want to make sure that the first 3 years of his life also impress upon him how much I utterly adore him the way we did for my older son. Will he know beyond a shadow of a doubt how he lights up my life and how my world is infinitely better just for his being in it?! I so desperately want him to know this. But will he?

And on the flip side, there’s a small part of me that is so incredibly sad for my first son who is about to have his little world absolutely rocked to pieces. His little brother won’t ever know a life without a sibling or not know how to share mom and dad’s attention. He’ll probably grow up mostly feeling secure in our love towards him which is completely independent of our love for his brother.

But my 3 year old is going to experience my divided attention and affections for the first time ever. I have such a fear that he is going to start doubting just how much we adore him because he’s never had occasion to question it before now. It positively breaks my heart to think that there’s a possibility for even one second that he wouldn’t believe that I’m still so totally obsessed with him.

Again, I blame all of this on the hormones. And I know fully well that this is just the reality of kids’ birth order. It all comes out in the wash, and millions of first and second children grow into perfectly well-adjusted people with normal, healthy relationships with their parents. My logical

brain knows this.

But my pregnant mama heart is just having a moment here as I imagine what bringing this sweet, new soul into our family will be like. I’ve heard from so many before me how your heart doesn’t divide with a new child. It multiplies and expands with enough love to go around for everyone. And I truly am excited to experience that.

But I just worry if I'll be enough for both of them. Will my second son feel as loved as my first? Will my first son stop believing how much I still love him? How can I possibly be everything that both these babies need?”

Oh, sweet mama, I'm here to tell you that, unfortunately, no. Who you were back then most certainly wasn't enough. Who you were back then couldn't even fathom the love that you would have to find deep within your soul to love both of these little boys. You were so ill-equipped to give them both what they would need.

But…the cool thing is that the very millisecond that your second son came into this world, your capacity for love and affection grew tenfold. A hundred-fold. A million-fold! Something in your heart absolutely exploded, and you instantly began overflowing with all the compassion, energy, affection, loyalty, and love that you would need for both of your children. You instantly transformed into the mom that you were always meant to be.

Your second son has become the next apple of your eye. You look at him the same way you look at your oldest, and you also can't let him walk by without grabbing those chunky little hands and stealing some sweet kisses. You now obsessively look at pictures of him on your phone too and marvel at how you made “the most perfect baby in the universe”...again.

Moreover, you now also love your oldest son even more than you thought you did before because seeing him rise to the occasion of being a Big Brother so graciously has made your heart swell! You never dreamed that you could be this proud of him, and you've fallen in love with him all over again! And he knows it. He sees it all over your face when you look at him. I promise, he knows.

And guess what, you freaking rock star?! You now have a third son, and have, once again, expanded your capacity for love! Watching each of your older sons step into their roles as mentor, protector, and friend to your new baby has unlocked a whole new level of respect and admiration for them.

And that third baby? Yeah, he's the absolute BEST Grand Finale. And, as most babies of the family, he's everyone's little angel and is doted on 24/7. Trust me, he will never doubt how loved he is! You've gifted your family with the most perfect missing piece of the puzzle, and you will never regret growing your family this one last time.

So yeah, I'm here to tell you that you make it through. Every day you become more and more of who you were destined to be, and it's always more than sufficient for your kids. You just…become enough. I promise. ❤️ 

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