TRIGGER WARNING: MISCARRIAGE
Hi there! I would be lying if I said I have done this before, but I am so excited to have an outlet for all of the crazy things that swirl around in my head. I am so excited to share my thoughts and experiences of a boy Mama of two. I have a six year old and a three year old. I always wanted boys. Nothing against girls, but this Mama just had a feeling she needed a little boy in her life. Thankfully I got two! I am also a Mama who has experienced a miscarriage.
No, my miscarriage did not happen recently, however it has been something that has silently affected me since it happened. October of 2018, when my first son was a year and a half old, I found out I was pregnant. It was not a planned pregnancy, and all the thoughts of “can I do this”, “can I take care of another baby so soon”, “can I love another as much as my first” ran through my head. However, the excitement pushed down the fear. I couldn’t wait to put my son in a Big Brother t-shirt and tell our families.
We had a normal ultrasound, and things started to feel real. However, little did we know things were going to change very quickly. I work in a pediatrician’s office and on a Friday afternoon, in late November, I hurried into the bathroom between patients and saw some bleeding. I did not assume the worst, however I called my doctor just to be safe.
I went to the office for a visit and they brought out an old ultrasound machine. I had my son with me, who was being such a trooper through all of the hurry up and wait. I held my son’s hand as I was telling my doctor how much better I had been feeling the past week. She smiled and she kept trying to find the heartbeat. She explained how they don’t do them often in the office, and it was an older machine so she would have another doctor come in to have her try. After a few minutes the reality started to set in. She explained I would have to go to the hospital right away to get another ultrasound done. I just sat there silent, holding my son’s hand as I shook my head yes. I called my husband, sobbing.
After another failed attempt at seeing the baby’s heartbeat at the hospital, I drove myself home. Thinking back now, I don’t know how I was able to see through the tears.
I couldn’t give up hope. I read so many different things on the internet. So many different women stated they found a heartbeat a few days later. I was determined to not give up. I had two more ultrasounds done that next week, yet still no heartbeat. I carried my Angel inside of me for two weeks before I had the procedure done. We bought our first real Christmas tree, and took our son to see Santa. I felt like I needed to do these things before my procedure, as heartbreaking as it was. I needed to feel like we celebrated our one and only Christmas with our baby.
My pain and torture did not end there. The night before my scheduled D&C, I had to take medication to help dilate. This ended with me bleeding profusely, and passing out on my bathroom floor. I was rushed to the emergency room and ended up having the surgery emergently. I can still feel myself in the freezing cold operating room, my body shaking. I can still picture the bright lights that I stared into as I drifted off. I can still remember walking out of the hospital empty handed.
It has been almost five years since my miscarriage, yet some days it still feels like it happened yesterday. I since had my second son in March of 2020 (yes he is a pandemic baby, which is a post for another day). It feels like he was always supposed to be here, and it warms my heart, yet it is part of the heartbreak. That in reality maybe my Angel was never supposed to be here. Maybe this was always the plan?
I will forever love, remember, and honor my Angel baby. We hear all of the time that miscarriages are so common, yet so many mothers feel so alone when they go through one. Others think that we should not talk about them, or they think it will make us upset. I wish more people realized that talking about them isn’t painful. What is painful is the thought that others around you will move on from it, and they will forget.
Something else that came from my miscarriage was anxiety and depression. I knew what both of those things were. I have experienced some forms of anxiety as a child, separation anxiety specifically. There were things that happened to me and I felt sad, but never depressed.
Panic attacks were also something that appeared. In society we are made to feel like miscarriage is a taboo thing, and to not speak about it. So then we naturally feel like the feelings that come after it are taboo as well. I am thankful that we are now in a time where these things are talked about more, miscarriage and mental health.
If there is one thing I want anyone to get from reading this, it is for them to feel like they are not alone. The pain is real, and it is not something you can just get over. Mental Health is health, and we need to take it more seriously. You are not crazy for the way you feel.
If you have never experienced a miscarriage before, I hope this sheds some light on what a mother goes through when this happens to her. So that you can be more understanding, more caring, and listen. Oh please, just listen. You will never know how much a mama who has experienced a miscarriage wants someone to just listen.
This article was written by Lisa Weller. Follow her on Instagram at lisa_j_w_